THE TAMMY HOFFMAN STORY
I was always a quiet little girl growing up. I stayed isolated most of my life. Every weekend we would go to my aunts house to visit my Grandma. She lived with one of my aunts that had two boys and two girls. They were teenagers then and one of them was the wild one of the bunch. He got me into the basement and molested me. I was about 10 years old. I had a brother that was a year older than me. My mother took up for him. I felt she didn’t even recognize me most of the time. It was always him, anything he wanted he got, I stayed in the back of the crowd [ not heard and not seen ] that was my life. My mother had 10 kids, but only grew up with one sister that was 7 years older than me. I never saw her much. She was always running away from home. Mom kept her in a girl's home most of my growing up. I would see her once in a while. I always looked up to her and looked to her for guidance, but she needed that herself. So she didn’t guide me too much. When she was around she took up for me to my mom because my mom treated me and my brother so different You would have though that he was the baby of the family. She took me to my first x-rated drive in movie when I was about 12 years old. We were in mom's van. She parked it with the back of the van was faced the movie screen so we could open the back doors and lay on a mattress. That was always in there. She noticed a couple guys that were there drinking so she invited them over. We were all in the van and I can remember her telling the guy to be good to me. It went on from there. I didn’t know what to do but to keep quite.
Growing up we were alone a lot. Me and my brother unless one of my mom's boyfriends were there to watch us and they were always drinking. Coming home from school I would never know who would be there or what kind of condition they were in. Mom went out every weekend and brought a man home. She didn’t drink or smoke but she like to go dancing. I can remember being molested by most of them. I also tried to come home and just wait downstairs until mom got home before I went in the house. She worked a lot it seems like. I slept a lot. When I was young I would come home from school, go straight to sleep until dinner, get up and eat and go back to bed. I slept in school a lot. My grandma said it was part of my depression. I also wet the bed until I was 13 years old. My mom said it was just laziness. She would whip me every morning and wash my face with the wet sheet . Then make me go hang it on the line. She made me sleep in a baby bed till I was 7 years old. I would always be inside with the grown ups. I stayed to myself and listened. My Granny would always take up for me. She told mom that she didn’t treat us right and that she needed to quite babying my brother so much.
All through my life of being molested I thought by watching my mom that it was a way of showing love because she loved so many men. When I got attention, I got it from her men. One day when I was about 12, my mom drove a school bus and she had to work real late. One night she was taking kids to play basketball in another town. Her boyfriend was at the house drinking and had been all day. My brother spent the night at his friend's house. I was cooking when he came in the kitchen and put me up against the sink. He was touching me. He was touching me and trying to get into my pants. He got me on the floor and was on top of me. I could do nothing, he was so big and I was so little. Right after that I ran out of the house. I ran across the street until my mom came home. I met her in the yard when she drove up. I told her what he did. Well I don’t know what happened when she went upstairs because I stayed outside. I do know they got into an argument and he ended up in my mom's van with an ax. She called the law and they took him to jail. Three days later Mom came and picked me up from a friend's house. So when she picked me up I asked her where we were going and she said home. She told me about getting her boyfriend out of jail and he was at home waiting for her. I asked why she did that after what he did to me. She said that it didn’t happen and not to say it again. So after that she called me a liar and for me to just shut up. So I never talked to my mom about anything. I stayed in my little corner of the world where I was my own best friend.....not heard and never seen. I kept my distance from her boyfriends the best I could. I stayed in my room 90% of the time. I can remember there was one show on TV that I liked to watch. When I could watch it, I wished I had a mom and dad like that. Then I would go back to my room.
I had my first son at 15 had my second and third sons at the age of 17. They were only 10 months apart. I got married to my husband at 20 had my daughter two day before my 21 birthday.When I was 21 my sister took me to a bar where she worked and I started dancing. That was when I got introduced to drugs {crack, cocaine} Well shortly after I started dancing two black men came into the bar with three white girls. They started telling me how good it was to be with them and showed me the gold they were wearing. I didn’t know any better and they made it sound so good to a young girl like me. So I took my babies and went with them back to Dallas, Texas. I stayed with the one black guy and he had just the one girl. I had my four children, my oldest was 7years old, at this time. there ages were 7,6,5,and 1, After a few days the guy didn’t want me so he gave me to his friend. He had two ladies, We worked at a dance club. We was made to prostitute on the side. Well one day we couldn’t find a babysitter. He had his 15 year old son come over to babysit. We had to work every day. The next morning we were going to take the kids to the pool. I was tending to my oldest son helping him put some shorts on when I took his clothes off he had black and blue marks all over his little body. I mean big marks from the middle of his back all the way down his legs. I could do nothing but cry. I took his pain into my heart. I could only imagine the pain he went through the night. Before being beaten by that boy. I can’t find a reason in my mind that he could have done to deserve that pain. I hurt inside so bad and I still cry to this day when I see him and wonder if he forgives me. I can't seem to find forgiveness for myself for putting him in that position. He was also raped around this time by another babysitter's son.
I remember that the days were hot and the guy would make the 3 boys stay out on this little patio outside. You couldn’t see anything but this brick wall. It was just a small area that they had to play in. I could see the sweat running down their face. I wanted to let them in but he would not let me. So I figured if they had to suffer in that heat I would be with them. So I went out there and could only stay a few minute because I couldn’t breath it was so humid and hot. I would sit in there and I can still see there face’s today looking in that glass door. Knowing how miserable they were being out there. I would just cry. I wanted to let them in so bad.
When I went to work the next day. I tried to find help to get my kids and get out of there. I talked to the D.J. there and he told the guy and he beat me that night . I was able to sneak around and get a hold of my mom. She finally came and got me and the children with the law. It took 8 month to get away from what I had gotten myself into. I thank God that day and took a different thought of my mother. Well I went back to dancing. When I was about 25 years old I got into drugs. I found that it took away my pain and my thoughts of my past. Even if only for a little while but it only made thing worse. I started writing checks of my own to get drugs. My Grandma died around this time. I had no feeling for the situation. I was just numb. My sister came to the bar to get me to go be with my mom. I couldn’t go. I just had no feeling for my mom and I did not want to be with her at any time. Through the years I watched my mom get beat on by her boyfriends. I told myself I will never let a man beat me like she did and to this day I have kept that promise. I also told myself that when I had children they would never have to go through the thing I went through. I broke that promise and I can’t forgive myself that it happened. My heart hurts for them so much. I’ve carried this pain all my life and I have asked God to help me to learn to forgive myself. I’m working on that still today.
Through my growing up years I've listened to the grown ups. I talk and learn a lot. I don’t hate my mom anymore because I’ve heard my aunt and Granny say she just didn’t know any better. I know now she did the best she could. With God’s help I can forgive her. I know she suffered a lot through the years. I worked hard at getting to know my mom but for some reason we always kept our distance from each other. I know God has been with me. All my life. My first probation officer said I must be a Godchild because someone up there was watching over me. That was when I was 14 years old. We did not say I love you much in our house. I thought love was sex. I was 25 before I met my dad. I wanted to be so mad at him. But when I saw him I cried for a minute. But really to me he was just another man. My dad was an addict and alcoholic. I went to New Jersey to visit with him. He was just another man, and like I said to me love was sex.... You figure it out.
I got into trouble back in 1991 for hot checks....over $9000 dollars worth. I got put on probation for 5 years but I was in jail most of that time. Just before I got off probation, I went to prison. Shortly after I got there I started going to church. I accepted the Lord into my life right after that day I was waking up just before the light came on. I would feel so refreshed and happy. One morning I got up as usual and stood beside my bunk and said to myself, "why am I waking up like this and why am I so happy?". I heard this soft voice as plain as day say to me ”I am”. I never questioned it. I knew it was God and during that time I was incarcerated I was happy and content. I got my G.E.D. and passed it the first try. I was so amazed at myself. I could not believe it. I had not been in school since I was 15 years old. I cried and laughed. I felt so secure there and didn’t want to go home. I got out a year later. I did a year parole. I went back to my old life of depression. I slept most of my days away. I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed. I then started prostituting and got arrest for unauthorized use of a credit card. I had influence on this occasion and got arrested after being on probation for a year. I got my probation revoked because I was afraid of going you see my probation officer.
In 2000 I went back to prison for 13 months. I got out this past April and went right back to my life. I got arrested two months later for not reporting and here I am again. I praise God for bringing me here or allowing me another chance to live. There have been many times in my life I wanted to die. I almost did a couple of times from overdose. I have learned a lot of things about myself being here. God is still working in my life. Now that I have written this I know that I can and will start a new lifewhen I walk out these gates.
I love the Lord and pray every day for strength and forgiveness. I have a man that is getting closer to God. I hope we can get married soon after I get out. He does not do drugs or anything. I know he loves me and I love him so. Please pray for us. I pray for my children that they can forgive me. I have one wish in this world, and that is for me and my children can be together again. They all grew up apart. I want to bring them together in my home.
Pray for my brother, He’s in Cummins State Prison. He has been there for the past 10 years. He is doing 3 life sentences . I pray that the Lord will put someone in his presence that will help him find GOD.
This has been just a summary of Tammy's story, there was much more to be told, But the
important thing when she left Prison , She took Jesus with her when she went home.
She will always be in our prayer. GOD BLESS AND KEEP HER SAFE.
If you would like to help to keep this ministry going,. To reach the many people that are lock away.
Send Donations or Write to:
Springtown Prison Outreach
Springtown Seventh Day Adventist Church
P.O. Box 710
Gentry, Arkansas 72734
Thank you in the name of JESUS.
Chaplain Doyle And Sandy Misener